DNS

In January I was on a little 5 mile blizzard run with Ben , Brooke, & Casey.  (By the way, one of the coolest runs ever).  The snow was coming down.  A blizzard indeed.  We ran 5 glorious miles along the Chicago Lakefront.  It. was. epic. Ben was telling me a bit about his running journey. Overweight to IronMan.  I was inspired.  He told me I could run a marathon.  That I would run a marathon.  I left that day feeling that I just might be able to.

It is finally   2011 Bank of America Chicago Marathon weekend.   A weekend that I've been looking forward to and dreading since 1:30 am on that late February night that I finally was able to get myself registered to run.   

I had SO much to say about this weekend.  How I trained so hard.  Was really pushing myself further than I had ever in my life.  How this was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.  That it hurt.  Mentally and physically. It effing hurt. 

It was a brutally hot summer for training.  Just awful.  I'm a cold weather runner.  Shorts and tee in the middle of winter.  Love it.  The heat brought me to my knees on several occasions.  Literally.  

I was going to say how I was feeling so good there half way through.  That I had my UBHA (Under Bitch Hammie Ass) injury.  How it flared up. But, how I was pushing through it anway.   I was running further than I ever had. I had some tough runs where I didn't think I would make it through.  But, thanks to some dear friends. who texted me messages to get my butt to the finish, I  did it.  I did those long runs.  I even went on one stealth long run without telling anybody.  I could fail myself.  But, I didn't want to fail others.  If they didn't know I attempted, they wouldn't know I failed.  I succeeded anyway. I did it.  On my own.  It felt good.  I felt strong.  I felt like I could possibly actually do this marathon.

And, then, I attempted my 18 mile run.  I didn't want to go.  I waited too late in the day.  But, I had friends telling me to get out there.  To shut up and run. So, I did.  I only made it three miles before I started to overheat.  I felt weak.  I felt nauseous.  Just then a funny text came in that made me giggle.  I talked it out with my friend.  He told me to go home.  Stopping is not failing.  Death is failing.  But, after several minutes of chatting I felt better.  I started up again.  I started to feel good.  For a bit.  I ran another 5 miles.  And, then, I just stopped.  My legs stopped.  By brain stopped.  I stopped.  I stood there looking at the river.  I started to cry.  I knew I was done.  I think in a way I knew I was more than just done with this run.  I knew I was done with the marathon. 

I texted my friend.  He told me to go home.  This time I listened.  Instead of walking the 1.5 miles home from where I was I forced myself to walk the long way back.  5 miles. A long 5 miles.  It was my walk of shame.  Without the heels.  

The next day my shin hurt.  A lot.  I was done.  That was 7 weeks ago.  

My dream was done.  I had resolutions this year.  Running the Chicago Marathon was resolution #1.  And, I'm not doing so good on the others.  ;)  Epic fail .  

I made one stupid 4 mile run 2 weeks ago. Because I missed the run.  My mind missed the run.  My spirit missed the run.  It was SOOO painful.  That first mile was brutal.  I cried.  (God, I cry a lot.  wtf). But, I wouldn't stop.  By the end of mile 1 my mind was feeling so good I started to forget the pain.  I was only planning on a very slow 2 mile run.  But, I just couldn't stop.  I ran 4 miles.  I could have kept going. But, I was pretty sure I was screwing up my leg.  So, reluctantly I stopped. 

I went to see a doctor.  He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  Wednesday I went for a bone scan.  Watching the dye go through my body it was clear when it hit my shin that something was wrong.  My shin lit up like a Christmas tree.   Doctor's appointment this afternoon.  I guess I'll find out what's wrong.  I hope I do. ***Update: Stress fracture.  Three more weeks of no running. ****

To say I'm devastated is an understatement.  But, at the same time I'm slightly relieved.  I'm not sure I was ready.  This was not the year for me.  Apparently some higher being agreed. 

So, I will cheer on all my friends who are running.  I will scream loud.  I will dance.  My milkshake will bring boys to the yard. Ok, well, maybe not that.  But, I will be a crazy ass bitch.   I will wear my DoEpicShit shirt. For my friends running by I will have band-aids.  I will have Gatorade. I will have Bodyglide.  I will have Motrine.  I will have Honey Stingers.  I might have beer.  I will have hugs. Lots of hugs. 

Yes, I was going to tell you all that.  How I am NOT running the 2011 Chicago Marathon. Nope.  I am not. 

But, perhaps, just perhaps, I will give it another try.