So, yeah....... I've been quiet for a bit.
When I was injured I spent my time following everyone else's workouts, progress, races. I enjoyed following everyone's journey. I rambled on. Had fun. Made new friends. Got close to old friends. I also lost a few. Circumstances. Life. It made me realize I depend on people too much. While many people in life depend way too much on me, I expect others to be there for me. However, in the end, when it matters most, nobody is there.
Through the last year everyone has been unbelievably supportive to me. They listened to me bitch. Tried to hold my hand when I cried with frustration at being injured yet once again. Virtual hugs abound when, once again I could not try to run Chicago.
I went through some tough life shit recently. Still am. Had some days when all I wanted was for one of my many many friends to be there for me. To notice I needed help. Needed a shoulder. An ear. A hug. But, nobody was there. It made me realize that although I am lucky to consider so many people I know virtually to be close dear friends, in the end they cannot be there for me when I need them. Are not there for me when I need them. They have their lives. Their shit.
So, when I was ready to start out on my journey once again, instead of depending on the wonderful support of others, I walked away. It was easier to be alone at the start than to have company and expect it to stay, only to be disappointed in the end.
When I was ready to start out again, I wanted nobody around me. I'm not quite sure why. Because if nobody knew what I was doing then when I would inevitably break once again (because I will) I won't have to not only disappoint me, but those who support me? Maybe.
Or maybe because I wanted to do this on my own. With out the rah, rah, rahs. Without the "you're amazing"'s. (I'm not) Oh, don't get me wrong, I like those. I need those. But, I ultimately need to do this for me. By me. For me. Me.
So, I ran. Some were good. Some were downright awful. But, I ran. I ran into double digits.
Now I sit here with ice on my foot. Unable to walk due to the foot pain from today's 10.4 mile run.
I'm not sure if it's just some cramping. Or something worse.
Sigh.
