In January I was on a little 5 mile blizzard run with Ben , Brooke, & Casey. (By the way, one of the coolest runs ever). The snow was coming down. A blizzard indeed. We ran 5 glorious miles along the Chicago Lakefront. It. was. epic. Ben was telling me a bit about his running journey. Overweight to IronMan. I was inspired. He told me I could run a marathon. That I would run a marathon. I left that day feeling that I just might be able to.
It is finally 2011 Bank of America Chicago Marathon weekend. A weekend that I've been looking forward to and dreading since 1:30 am on that late February night that I finally was able to get myself registered to run.
I had SO much to say about this weekend. How I trained so hard. Was really pushing myself further than I had ever in my life. How this was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. That it hurt. Mentally and physically. It effing hurt.
It was a brutally hot summer for training. Just awful. I'm a cold weather runner. Shorts and tee in the middle of winter. Love it. The heat brought me to my knees on several occasions. Literally.
I was going to say how I was feeling so good there half way through. That I had my UBHA (Under Bitch Hammie Ass) injury. How it flared up. But, how I was pushing through it anway. I was running further than I ever had. I had some tough runs where I didn't think I would make it through. But, thanks to some dear friends. who texted me messages to get my butt to the finish, I did it. I did those long runs. I even went on one stealth long run without telling anybody. I could fail myself. But, I didn't want to fail others. If they didn't know I attempted, they wouldn't know I failed. I succeeded anyway. I did it. On my own. It felt good. I felt strong. I felt like I could possibly actually do this marathon.
And, then, I attempted my 18 mile run. I didn't want to go. I waited too late in the day. But, I had friends telling me to get out there. To shut up and run. So, I did. I only made it three miles before I started to overheat. I felt weak. I felt nauseous. Just then a funny text came in that made me giggle. I talked it out with my friend. He told me to go home. Stopping is not failing. Death is failing. But, after several minutes of chatting I felt better. I started up again. I started to feel good. For a bit. I ran another 5 miles. And, then, I just stopped. My legs stopped. By brain stopped. I stopped. I stood there looking at the river. I started to cry. I knew I was done. I think in a way I knew I was more than just done with this run. I knew I was done with the marathon.
I texted my friend. He told me to go home. This time I listened. Instead of walking the 1.5 miles home from where I was I forced myself to walk the long way back. 5 miles. A long 5 miles. It was my walk of shame. Without the heels.
The next day my shin hurt. A lot. I was done. That was 7 weeks ago.
My dream was done. I had resolutions this year. Running the Chicago Marathon was resolution #1. And, I'm not doing so good on the others. ;) Epic fail .
I made one stupid 4 mile run 2 weeks ago. Because I missed the run. My mind missed the run. My spirit missed the run. It was SOOO painful. That first mile was brutal. I cried. (God, I cry a lot. wtf). But, I wouldn't stop. By the end of mile 1 my mind was feeling so good I started to forget the pain. I was only planning on a very slow 2 mile run. But, I just couldn't stop. I ran 4 miles. I could have kept going. But, I was pretty sure I was screwing up my leg. So, reluctantly I stopped.
I went to see a doctor. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Wednesday I went for a bone scan. Watching the dye go through my body it was clear when it hit my shin that something was wrong. My shin lit up like a Christmas tree. Doctor's appointment this afternoon. I guess I'll find out what's wrong. I hope I do. ***Update: Stress fracture. Three more weeks of no running. ****
To say I'm devastated is an understatement. But, at the same time I'm slightly relieved. I'm not sure I was ready. This was not the year for me. Apparently some higher being agreed.
So, I will cheer on all my friends who are running. I will scream loud. I will dance. My milkshake will bring boys to the yard. Ok, well, maybe not that. But, I will be a crazy ass bitch. I will wear my DoEpicShit shirt. For my friends running by I will have band-aids. I will have Gatorade. I will have Bodyglide. I will have Motrine. I will have Honey Stingers. I might have beer. I will have hugs. Lots of hugs.
Yes, I was going to tell you all that. How I am NOT running the 2011 Chicago Marathon. Nope. I am not.
But, perhaps, just perhaps, I will give it another try.