Friday, February 17, 2012

I Won't Turn Back


When there is no turning back, then we should concern ourselves 
only with the best way of going forward. 
Paolo Coelho

Going forward.  

That's the direction I'm heading towards now. 

August 21st 2011.  The day I quit  half way through my attempt at an 18 mile marathon training run.  Even though two friends kicked my ass to get out there and get it done.  My mind was spent. My heart was weak.  My body, unbeknownst to me at the time, was broken.  The next day I felt pain.  Emotional pain.  Physical pain. 

I never ran again (except for two or three illegal runs) for almost 6 months.  Not really ran.  For six months. 

Not with my heart. My mind.  What was left of my body.  I may have moved my legs.  But, I had pain.  Lots of it. As great as some of those runs felt to just be running.  In reality, I was faking it.  Because I wanted it to be ok.  My leg to be ok.  Me to be ok. 

It wasn't.  I wasn't.

Being hurt sucks.  Getting hurt sucks.  Hurt of any kind just plain sucks

Sucks because you can't control it.  Sucks because you cannot fix it.  Sucks because.... It. Just. Sucks

I can still distinctly recall last spring when one of my Daily Mile friends got injured.  I read his posts about him not being able to run.  His frustration.  While I felt bad for him, I couldn't really relate.  I had never been injured.  In all my years of swimming I was never injured.  Not once.  No shoulder pains.  No knee pains.  Nothing. Since I started running everything HAD been ok.  I had some minor pain in my sciatic area.  But, nothing to be really bothersome.  I was running the best I ever had.  I was in the best shape I had been in in years. Every race was a PR.   I really couldn't relate to his frustration.  I felt bad for him. But, in reality I could not really relate. He eventually just stopped posting.  

However, I remember when he started to make his comeback a few months later.  How wonderful it was to read he was on the road back.  Ironically, just as I was falling off the road....

I have so many running friends who are fighting off injury right now.  We are at all levels of recovery.  We all know.  We all get it.  Sadly.  We all just want to be well.  To be us again.  To run. 

The other night a friend was talking to me about my injury.  Telling me that during this time there was surely something I learned about me.  Something about ME that I was able to discover during this time.  I'm still not sure what it was.  Kind of sad that I can't figure out what I learned.  But, I did realize I started blogging during this time.  Weird.  I didn't even realize that this all began because I wasn't running.  

I would talk to my friend Mike about running.  About our injuries.  One night he told me I should write a blog.  Looking back perhaps it was his polite way of getting me to talk it out in a blog instead of bugging him.  Ha.  He had a blog.  A very good blog.  His wife, Julie, was just about to start her blog. But, what was I going to write about?  I had nothing to say.  Nothing anybody would want to read.  

But, I started writing.  I still have no idea what about.  Or why.  Or to whom. But, I wrote. 

So, maybe that's what I learned while injured.  To start letting thoughts in my head get out a bit.  To let some of what brews in my head while I run to be released.  Perhaps not for others to read necessarily.  However, if someone else gets it, fantastic. But, maybe more for me.  Just me

To my friends still injured: it gets better.  You WILL get through this.  I promise you.  Promise

I'm taking the baby steps back.  I'm running again.    I have a long way to go.  A very long way. But, I'm not going back.  I cannot change what happened to me.  With my injury.  With my life. I cannot change that I got hurt.  I cannot change how bad it made me feel.   How miserable some days really were. It wasn't my fault. 

I can only go forward. One step at a time. One word at a time. Ahead.

I won't turn back.  I can't.  And, I wont.

Run on.  Write on.  Be.  

Oh, and that friend who was injured last spring?  He went on to finish his first 100 mile ultra in the fall.  How 'bout them apples? 




18 comments:

  1. Great post, great feeling. Being hurt is one of the toughest challenges. It is what you can accomplish while injured that can make a difference. Keep rocking it!

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  2. Wonderful post Andrea. It brought back memories of recovery from my last injury.

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  3. Says the doode who just completed TWO 100 mile races within two weeks! You are quite the inspiration for me to get back from my injury to run my first marathon in the fall! You rock, Kai!

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  4. I'm so glad that to know there is someone else out there who still questions why they write a blog. I feel the same way. Although, I think there is something therapeutic about it. We have so many thoughts while on the road, trails, etc. It's good to memorialize some of that. Once again, great post!

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    1. Thanks! Yes, Dan, I think it's just another way of therapy for us. But, it also allows us to get to know each other a bit better. To learn a bit about what makes us who we are and why. More of a "why we run" constant dialogue perhaps? Keep on writing.....

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  5. I say that you learned what you are made of. Resilience, persistence, fortitude. And when your body broke down, you were still able to pull those qualities out of your mind. Mental resilience, mental persistence, and mental fortitude. Oh, and resourceful for finding other ways to keep moving through, over and around your injury. What you may never know is the magnitude of inspiration that you sent out because you kept posting through it all. Slainte!

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    1. I didn't even need to read the name to know who this was. Sometimes I think you know me better than I know me, Karen. At least you are better at expressing it than I am. Your words always make me think. Thank you for that. Always! Thanks so much for all YOU do to encourage and inspire ME!

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  6. Andrea I have tears in my eyes after reading this as I CAN relate...I have been 'broken' since last spring, more so since my first 1/2 marathon that I trained too damn quickly for and still pay daily for it back in '07...But this fall I decided ENOUGH...runners. well, we RUN. Nothing can stop us from what we love...but in the end we have to take care of US. Having friends like you out there keeps us alive, well, and running...
    Much love.

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    1. We don't always make smart decisions when we are so desperate to have our bodies be whole and healthy again. It's really frustrating. Those who have been there know. But, those who have come back also know. We WILL come back, Michelle! We will. Big hugs to you...

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  7. Great post Andrea, being injured sucks. Been there done that and don't want to do it any more than I have to. Coming back takes patience, some smarts (which I have problems with) and then more patience. Be ready for 3 steps forward 2 steps back type of return to running. Good luck

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    1. Thanks so much! Oh, Harold, I've already taken about 15 steps back. I'm really ready to go forward for sure. And, yes, I'm not good with that smarts part either. :)

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  8. I'm so glad you are on the mend from your injury! This is as injured as I've ever been and even though it isn't as bad as yours or a lot of others it sucks. I am just itching to get out there and run around in the woods. Take care of yourself and keep runnin' and blogging.

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    1. It's a slow road back, J. With lots of stumbles. I'm still falling. Oh, so frustrating. I've got the same itch. It needs to be scratched SO badly. You'll be back out there hitting the woods full force VERY soon! Until then kick ass in the pool. You really don't want to NOT kick my ass eventually there now do you? You are oh, so close! hee, hee. Hugs, my friend....

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  9. Oh girl. You know I can relate to this one! Interesting concept, to learn something about ourselves while injured. I've just been hanging on til I get the green light instead of trying to use this down time to better myself or learn something. Very interesting.

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    1. Yup. Lots happened to me with my life while I was injured. Some good. Some bad. But, life went on. My running didn't. But, life did. I learned what I depend on. Who I depend on. What I need. From running. From life. From me. I hope mostly, I learned that I will never take for granted the ability I DO have to run. Because, when you can't..... Well, ya know. xoxo m'dear. We will both move forward. Together.

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  10. I've been going crazy since my last injury, and am starting PT now. I'm just thankful that nothing is broken or torn, but it will probably be a pretty long road for me... Your most recent post has certainly helped me put things in perspective. I am so impatient about being injured, but I know I have to take time to heal. Thank you!

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    1. Oh, Jen. I get it. You know I get it. You just want your body to catch up with your spirit. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks. It's hard. But, it will get better. And, yes, I'm impatient with my injury too. So, I know. I'm still not 100%. In fact I'm not sure I'm 70%.

      Hang in there. Scream when you need to. Cry when you need to. But, just don't hide. Keep yourself doing something. And, keep active on DM. You people did and DO get me through every single day. I look forward to watching your comeback!

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