Yesterday as I was leaving work I had a few last chats with Lisa, my co-worker/ex running partner/friend. She had asked me to switch Saturday work with her so she could get her 20 mile run done. Of course. She is running the New York Marathon in two weeks. Her third marathon (she ran Chicago twice). We talked about where she planned to run that morning. I suggested a few options, basically my entire biking route is 20 miles. I told her I would meet up with her on the way to work and bring her fuel, food, etc., as the trail IS on my way to work. We talked about the options and made some very loose plans on me doing just this. As I was about to leave our boss turned to me and yelled, "That's the world's best cheerleader!!!"
I smiled and walked out. Then paused outside for a bit. Got a bit sad. I know what she said was a nice compliment. Said with complete kindness. It was taken as such. But.....
I've been in a post Chicago Marathon funk. Yes, I realize I did not run the marathon (I'm CLEARLY aware of this fact). I know several of my friends who did run it are in a bit of a funk too. But, they RAN this marathon. I just screamed from the sidelines. However, yes, I too am in a funk.
I know people see me as a great cheerleader. As a motivator (not sure why). A good friend. I might be those things. However, as I've been reminded of lately, I tend to give too much of myself. I give so much to others that I fail to give anything to myself. Ever. I'm okay with that. Or I guess I was. I don't know. It's just what I'm used to. I kind of don't think I deserve to give to myself I guess. What for?
Don't get me wrong. I adore all the people in my life. Adore. However, sometimes I feel as if I have just one too many people depending on me. Even if it's just for me to tell them things are going to be ok. Sometimes I get emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I need people to lift ME up. I feel sorry for those that end up with that task. They certainly don't deserve it. But, I thank them for it. It matters. They matter. They know who they are.
Some people in my life have been a bit more insistent lately that I need to give less to others, take more for me. So, I've been trying. I'm trying to get back out on my feet. Trying to run. Bike. Swim. Move. Turn my phone off. Tune people out. Do nothing. Do something. For me.
The last three nights I've lounged on the couch and did nothing but watch t.v. This may sound strange, but I haven't done that in.... well, I cannot remember the last time. I'm either meeting someone, or chatting with someone, or doing something for someone. In fact I did get a text while on the couch, asking to meet me for a drink. An old friend who has been trying to meet up with me for months. Each time he got me I was literally in the middle of a run or ride. It was kind of funny. This time I was on the couch. Yet, I replied, "Can't tonight. Busy. Raincheck?" I was busy doing nothing. It felt good.
Haley crawls all over me. Bites the heck out of me. We run circles outside. She runs away. I chase her down the street in a shortie robe and no shoes. Good times. All good.
So, "World's Best Cheerleader"? Huh. Well, gee, thanks. But, I don't want to be that. I don't want to be just that. I don't want to just be giving all that I have to everyone else. I want to give to me too. I want to run. I want to be epic. I want someone else lifting me up besides myself.
So, pardon me if I don't post as many comments on your epicness anymore (I know some of you are saying, "Uh, you never post comments on mine." Uh, sorry. LOL) Sorry if I don't reply to your texts asap. Sorry if I am not standing at your next race cheering you on. I, perhaps, will be attempting to do it myself.
I'm going to lounge on the couch more. I'm going to finally watch an episode of Honey Boo Boo (no joke, never seen it). I'm going to learn some Gangnam style. (again, never seen it - til just now). I'm going to throw /give away tons of my clothes. I'm not sure what I was saving them for. However, I'm quickly creeping towards fitting back into them. I don't want to fit back into them. They need to go away. Forever.
I'm going to run. Or try to. It's still a struggle. It still hurts. New things hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm doing the exercises I'm supposed to do. They are helping. I'm going to try to swim more. The indoor pool is hard on my lungs. I think I'm going to try for an inhaler to help with that. But, I'll keep swimming no matter what. I'm going to bike as long as the weather allows.
I'm going to finish my friend's book he wrote and gave to me in February. Chris and I grew up in the same neighborhood. We swam together. We weren't really friends. Acquaintances perhaps. We reconnected on Facebook two years ago. Somehow started chatting about what we had been up to in our lives since high school. Somewhere along the way I became a cheerleader for his book release. He also became a good source of encouragement for my running. I don't chat with him much. But, when I do, he always asks about my running. Or my injury. Either way he offers encouragement. He sent me a signed copy of his book before the release date. I read half. Then stopped. Not because it wasn't good. It was very good. I just stopped doing things for me. I opened up the book the other day. I re-read the inscription: "Andrea, great to reconnect on FB! Enjoy the read. - Chris. P.S. Good luck with that Chi Marathon race."
I guess sometimes I forget people are cheering for me too. I thank you. A lot.
But, first..... I need to figure out where I'm meeting Lisa on her 20 mile run tomorrow on my way to work.
I know, I know.
I can't quit entirely. It's part who I am. However, not totally who I am.