Friday, December 28, 2012

Ramble On

So, yeah....... I've been quiet for a bit.

When I was injured I spent my time following everyone else's workouts, progress, races.  I enjoyed following everyone's journey.  I rambled on. Had fun.  Made new friends.  Got close to old friends.   I also lost a few.  Circumstances.  Life.  It made me realize I depend on people too much.  While many people in life depend way too much on me, I expect others to be there for me.  However, in the end, when it matters most, nobody is there.

Through the last year everyone has been unbelievably supportive to me. They listened to me bitch.  Tried to hold my hand when I cried with frustration at being injured yet once again.  Virtual hugs abound when, once again I could not try to run Chicago.

I went through some tough life shit recently.  Still am.  Had some days when all I wanted was for one of my many many friends to be there for me.  To notice I needed help.  Needed a shoulder.  An ear.  A hug.  But, nobody was there.  It made me realize that although I am lucky to consider so many people I know virtually to be close dear friends, in the end they cannot be there for me when I need them.  Are not there for me when I need them.  They have their lives.  Their shit.

So, when I was ready to start out  on my journey once again, instead of depending on the wonderful support of others, I walked away.  It was easier to be alone at the start than to have company and expect it to stay, only to be disappointed in the end.

When I was ready to start out again, I wanted nobody around me.  I'm not quite sure why.  Because if nobody knew what I was doing then when I would inevitably break once again (because I will) I won't have to not only disappoint me, but those who support me?  Maybe.

Or maybe because I wanted to do this on my own.  With out the rah, rah, rahs.  Without the "you're amazing"'s. (I'm not)  Oh, don't get me wrong, I like those.  I need those.  But, I ultimately need to do this for me.  By me. For me. Me.

So, I ran.  Some were good.  Some were downright awful.  But, I ran. I ran into double digits.

Now I sit here with ice on my foot.  Unable to walk due to the foot pain from today's 10.4 mile run.

I'm not sure if it's just some cramping.  Or something worse.



  1. Andrea, I'm glad you're running and sad you're hurt. I think many of us have been in similar situations although not exactly. I think we all have our reasons for what we do whether its running or something else. Too often we do it for praise from others instead offor ourselves.

    This reminss me of a quote that I'll slaughter for you. Talking about a prize or medal someone said "if you are not enough without it you'll never be enough with it."

    If you are not ok without praise from others, no amount of praise will make a difference.

    I really do think you're awesome but what you think matters more. Take care of that body but take care of you first.

    Much love

  2. As always, you always have the right thing to say. Thanks for always being one of my biggest supporters, in running, and in life. I appreciate you and our friendship.

    Thanks J!

    Much love back at ya!

  3. There's a balance we need between the inner and outer lives. I write 750 words and publish them most every day, but that's not the totality of who I am. I'm open in those posts, honest too, but I also have things that I hold back. I like the idea of you taking the thing that you have been so public about and pulling it back for yourself. It's not a permanent condition. I don't imagine that you'll keep it quiet for that long! But it's a good thing to own it again, to have it be yours, to give it as a gift to yourself and hold yourself close. You deserve it.

  4. Thanks, Brian. Always wise with your words. I appreciate it. I hope you are feeling well soon and back out there running, writing, being. All the very best to you in 2013